


Empty

by muldy



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, I blame her for writing sort of c/7 fic, killermanatee made me do it, post-workforce, season 7
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-21 06:37:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13735233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muldy/pseuds/muldy
Summary: He knew better than to ask questions that he didn’t want the answer to, but he couldn’t help himself.





	Empty

The gnawing feeling kept getting worse, like there was some kind of empty pit in his stomach that was getting deeper and deeper with each passing moment. In theory everything was back to normal, but as Tom and B’Elanna stepped into the mess hall he felt his stomach drop another few feet.

He knew better than to ask questions that he didn’t want the answer to, but he couldn’t help himself.

B’Elanna took a seat opposite him and he smiled.

‘How are you feeling?’ he asked, watching Tom as he got food for them both from Neelix.

‘Much better, but it was a strange few days there, not knowing what was real and what wasn’t,’ she replied.

‘Can I ask you a question? Something about you and Tom?’

‘That depends on the question,’ she shot back, smiling.

After a few moments of silence she looked up at him and he realised he’d paused too long.

‘I was joking, you can ask…’

‘When you had no memory, were the two of you an item?’ he asked.

B’Elanna laughed slightly. ‘Well, he was trying to be, but I kept turning him away. Although, he was nothing but kind and caring towards me, and I definitely wanted to be with him…’

For a moment she smiled to herself, lost in her thoughts. The sinking feeling was replaced with a sharp stabbing feeling in his chest and he let his eyes fall back to his bowl of food. Food he hadn’t even touched yet.

‘Is everything all right, Chakotay?’ B’Elanna asked quietly, reaching out and touching his hand lightly.

He looked up at her and smiled sadly. ‘Do you think that was a coincidence, or do you think your feelings weren’t affected by brainwashing?’

B’Elanna’s face melted into concern. ‘Chakotay, are you jealous?’

The look of surprise must have crossed his face quickly because she rolled her eyes and hit him lightly.

‘Not of Tom, Chakotay,’ she said. ‘Of Jaffen.’

Now the pit and the knife were joined by a lurching feeling in his stomach, and he was glad he hadn’t managed to touch his food yet. He couldn’t respond, he couldn’t tell her, or anyone else. It had to be private, that would be how Kathryn would want it.

But everyone knew, didn’t they? There was no secret to keep.

He tilted his head slightly and smiled at his friend. ‘Maybe.’

Tom cut her off before she could say another word, and the two of them launched into friendly chatter. Chakotay remained with them as they ate lunch, smiling and laughing at the appropriate times, but the feeling of emptiness gnawed away at his insides.

It was hard to enjoy the feeling of fun when all he really felt was his heart being torn apart within his chest.

‘Excuse me, I have to get back to the bridge,’ he muttered eventually, standing up and taking his full bowl of food back to Neelix.

As he left he heard Tom mutter something about his shifting ending hours earlier, but he ignored it. It wasn’t like he had anywhere else of importance to be.

* * *

 

‘Come in.’

The familiar voice dug into his heart as she spoke. He wasn’t entirely sure what he was doing there, but it was where his feet had taken him.

Entering the room he glanced at the woman before him – dressed in casual clothes and holding a book in her hand.

‘Chakotay? Did we have a dinner planned?’ she glanced at the empty table.

‘Nothing like that,’ he replied quickly. ‘I just…’

Just what? Was walking past and in a random fit of jealousy decided to come in and confront her about it?

‘Everything all right?’ she asked.

‘Do you have feelings for me?’ he was quiet but she heard, no problem.

Her facial expression changed completely – her forehead creased slightly, her eyes opened, her jaw slacked and her shoulders tensed slightly.

They stood there in complete silence for what felt like seven years, or maybe it was just that he was allowing seven years worth of emotions to fill the room at once. He was sure she could feel it, everything he was feeling, flowing out of him and directly towards her. For so long he had pushed those feelings away, told them that they weren’t allowed to exist, tried to hide behind crushes on random women they had met along the way, even for a moment considering other members of Voyager’s crew.

But it was all lies.

It was so much a part of him – he thought of her first thing in the morning, he thought of her last thing before going to bed, he looked forward to every day they spent in the Delta Quadrant because it was another day that he could be by her side.

And the only reason he wanted to get back to Earth was for her.

For her to be happy.

And for them to be allowed to be together.

If that was even what she wanted.

‘Chakotay…’ she spoke his name softly, but he couldn’t read the emotions she was feeling.

‘Tom spent the entire time he was brainwashed hitting on B’Elanna and she went into that bar to see him, their relationship barely even changed when they didn’t know who they were. But…’

He broke it off, unable to find the right words. Words that weren’t going to offend or upset her, ones that would just help her understand.

‘But I was quick to move in with someone else,’ she said quietly.

He didn’t respond, he didn’t need to. She knew what he was saying.

She always did.

He felt his heart break little more at the thought and almost turned away, not wanting her to see the pain in his eyes. That wasn’t the part of this that he wanted her to see.

‘You weren’t there,’ she said carefully.

‘Damnit Kathryn, just answer the question.’

The force with which the words came out seemed to unnerve her for a moment, her face hardening as she took a deep breath.

‘That’s not a question I can answer,’ she spoke calmly.

All he could see was his Captain - Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. That was who was standing in front of him at that moment. And Captain Janeway was never going to answer that question.

But perhaps that’s who she was, the Captain had become so much of who she was, every hour of the day, that maybe that’s all she was now.

Maybe the woman he had once thought loved him in return didn’t exist anymore.

‘Then that’s all the answer I need,’ he replied, but didn’t move.

‘Was there something else?’ she asked.

‘What if I had been there?’

‘You weren’t.’

Clenching his jaw he searched her eyes for a moment, unable to read any emotion behind the wall she had just put up. He knew by being angry he wasn’t going to get the response from her that he wanted, but then again perhaps he already knew he wasn’t getting that answer.

‘Thanks for your time, Captain,’ he said shortly, turning to leave.

He hesitated in the door, hoping against all odds that she would call after him, but when all he heard was a deafeaning silence he stepped out the door and let it close behind him, rushing for his quarters before anyone could see he was upset.

‘Commander?’

He took a deep breath and turned around, forcing a smile on his face. ‘Seven.’

‘What is the matter?’ she asked, seemingly genuinely concerned.

He let the smile fall from his face, after all, she had already seen through his mask. ‘To be honest, it’s been a long few weeks.’

‘I agree,’ she replied. ‘Having another personality stamped on top of my own has not helped with my ability to accept who I truly am.’

‘I can only imagine,’ he found himself genuinely smiling in response.

She returned the smile, clasping her hands behind her back as she did so.

‘Well, Commander…’

‘I haven’t eaten, did you want to grab a bite to eat in the mess hall?’ he asked.

Her smile broadened. ‘I would find that most enjoyable.’

He held out a hand and indicated the direction of the mess hall.

She smiled at him and for a moment he thought he saw something else, something he hadn’t seen aimed in his direction for a long time.

And if he was honest it was a nice change from the emptiness.


End file.
